I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw the picture of the runner-up in this year's Miss England pageant. Her name is Chloe Marshall. I don't mean to be rude or anything, but she's got to be the fattest woman ever to win anything in a pageant. It's one thing for a beauty contestant from England to have jacked-up teeth. We all expect that. It's not even their fault. I think it's the water over there. But for her to be obesely overweight, that's a bit too much.

OK, put that aside for a minute and let me give you my thoughts on beauty pageants. I think it's old, it's played, and it's tired. Someone should take it out back and put a bullet in it once and for all. I can't believe that anyone still thinks beauty pageants are cool. Oh, let's round up a bunch of girls, put them in bikinis, and have judges grade their boobs and butts, while at the same time degenerate dudes gawk and drool over them watching it at home. What the hell century is this?

Now, if you are going to do it, do it right. I believe it's called a beauty contest, not a fat woman contest. You can't have a woman 80 lbs overweight not only competing in the thing but ripping 2nd place. What the hell is that? To be fair, I understand what they are trying to do. They are looking to make a statement. That chubby chicks can be hot too. I would agree with that, but they are just not hot enough to be in the top three in a beauty contest. Besides, it sets a dangerous precedent. If you let fat women in, who are you going to let in next? Are you going to crown someone with a face full of zits? What, people with blemishes aren't beautiful? What about women with excessive facial hair? There are actually women out there who rock their 5 o'clock shadows proudly because they do not conform to what other people think. Good for them, but should the next Miss Universe have a mustache then? We've got to draw a line somewhere...