Hello Folks,

This one may seem like a no brainer, but I can't process things that fast, so I'm here to seek suggestions and advice. I'll try to keep this short.

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant again for a few years now. Last Fall, she was pregnant, and I suggested that we don't tell anyone for the standard 3 months, just in case anything happens. She agreed, but she did end up leaking it to some friends. We ended up having a miscarriage, and I was glad that I didn't tell too many people, since I didn't want to deal with having to talk with people about this. Of course, people eventually found out and were quite supportive.

We are expecting again and are about 2 months in. This time, we both decided that we aren't going to announce it until 3 months. I also want us to tell our son first before telling the rest of the family and friends - we were thinking of recording a video of him and putting it online to announce that we are expecting again. However, my wife is starting to show, even at 2 months, and it will be hard to hide. She is suggesting that we tell people, starting with my son. My fear here is that if we miscarry again, it will be very difficult to explain this to our son (he had no idea that we were expecting last year and lost the baby). We don't want to tell anyone without telling our son first. But my wife is showing a bit, despite the loose clothing.

Any suggestions on how we should handle this strategically and sensitively, bearing in mind all the information above?

hmm your son is 4 correct? so maybe a bit too young to understand much of what is going on. i suggest maybe unless your son asks, then wait till you're past the 3 months to settle your minds and feel comfortable with telling everyone.

Nordic-kulta, Pidän sinusta oikein paljon. Kiinalaisten ja suomalaisten lapsista tulee kauniita!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moomin

Honey-bunnyyyy...

"If you can't be kind, be vague."

Thanks Ratbert, Nordic, and Curious Diabla, for the suggestions.

I actually never thought about not telling him, but that may save some grief, if it doesn't go well (it is interesting, because it was at this point in the last pregnancy that we miscarried, so I am a bit nervous, but this one is much different - she started spotting and then bleeding for about 1.5 weeks before it went from bad to worse). I guess the downside of not telling my 4-year-old would be - what if someone figures it out and asks my wife or me about this.
I am not a the lying type, so I wouldn't be able to lie to anyone about this - I would just hate for my son to hear someone say, "are you expecting?", we say yes, and I'm not sure if he will be sad that we didn't tell him first (not sure if kids think this way or not anyway). If we do tell him first, there is a GREAT risk that he will blurt it out, since he's terrible at keeping secrets. And of course, if it doesn't go well, explaining it later would be difficult.

I wouldn't think she would show at 2 months - it could be swelling, but her tummy is definitely sticking out more - I'm looking at some photos from last time. I did get her some maternity clothes and some looser fitting clothes, so we'll see what happens.

I do REALLY REALLY like your idea of shifting the focus elsewhere. My sister, who is 6 months pregnant and visibly showing recently got a haircut that is considerably shorter - you are absolutely right - my son and I went over to her place last night, and I noticed her haircut first and talked about it and it wasn't until the middle of the evening that I stared at her belly - and I knew she was pregnant. My wife has wanted to shorten her hair for years, and this may be a great reason to do so - thanks so much for this suggestion.

I guess for us, it's tougher when almost all our friends knew what happened last time and knew we'd be trying again. But I agree - I'd prefer not to say anything until 3 months. I realize that anything can still happen in the pregnancy up until delivery (and even after), but the risks do go down over time.

ok...mom of 4 speaks..

1. i think you are WAYYYYY over thinking this. and YES, while there are a few rude people...MOST people while they may THINK you two are pregnant will not say anything until you talk about it...then you will hear..
oh yah...we were wondering about that etc etc...

2. your baby is only 4..dispite all your explainations he will not "get" it and have an entire depth of understanding about it..later on..it may be..
"oh the babies in mommies tummy etc" but if blues clus comes on tv, that is all out the window! LOL When i was 5, my baby brother died, while i remember it vividly, i was not scarred by it, he was just gone one day. I was probably more traumatized by the reactions of the adults around me, than the incident itself.
THAT is where children get their frame of reference. They will mirror your reactions.

3. Just relax and enjoy the time, dont fret about something like when to tell people. Even if later, you do share it, and God forbid something happen, people will be there to support you. Dont isolate yourself by not telling, and not having the support you may need.

Everyone's advice is spot on. And CD's right, it's nobody's business! Just let people think there's a bit of weight gain or whatever; unless someone is truly crass, no one's going to ask any questions. Having tried to discuss birds and bees with my daughter at 4 (in her mind the "egg" was like a chicken egg, lol), I would just wait until you're past the three-month mark ... then you two can give your son a "big brother" shirt or card.... he'll be thrilled

Thanks Sunny and SlurpeeKat. Some good suggestions there. Very true - my son is easily distracted, and he won't fully understand what it all means as well...now to convince my wife to wait another month...