self-development is becoming more and more important to me. last weekend i said something to someone out of anger and it hurt their feelings. i knew it did the moment the words left my mouth. hell, i knew it while i was thinking of saying it... but like real life, things happen very quickly and it's difficult to avoid doing or saying something that would hurt someone while a heated debate or argument is going on.

but i had a thought today...

i know i'd have to grind in this principle into me, otherwise i will fail, but i'm honestly trying to be a better person and i believe humility is the first step.

can anyone else contribute specific, detailed advice? i'd really appreciate it. especially if that's what you do when in the same situation, or similar ones. nothing religious though.

A friend of mine, who has three children, would stop, go into another room, count to 10, if she was extremely angry with her children, so she wouldn't lose her cool and say something she regretted.

Maybe something similar to that might help.

Do you "explode" often? If so, there maybe something deeper you need to address, something the anger is a symptom of, such as depression, anxiety or real anger about something else and you are misdirecting your anger.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
True love will withstand ignorant eyes...

Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages
of the Starship Enterprise...

I started a thread called Words a while back...

this was what I posted...


We use words every day. There is no way getting around them. Even to people like me, who don't consider themselves writers. They are used in speaking and writing, trying to get a message to another person. How large your vocabulary is often impresses people, because it makes you appear more intelligent. Words can encourage, comfort, uplift, depress, inspire or even insult people. Once a word is said, there is no way of taking it back. That's why I prefer to write because it gives me the time to express my thoughts the way I intend, and there is usually no misinterpretation.

The other day, I typed something that hurt someone. I didn't intend for what I wrote to be mean, but she took it that way. Once it was there, there was no way to make it go away, to try and rectify the situation. It made me realize again how powerful words are, and how important the way they are used is in communicating.

Only STUPID and IGNORANT people find me offensive!

i don't explode often, but being a red-blooded Corean male, the potential does course through my veins.

the thing is, i don't want to have to walk into another room. that would expose me as being over-emotional and someone who can't control himself. i'm seeking to gain better control over emotional reactions that occur in the split-second when a discussion takes a turn for the worse.

yeah, i remember when you posted that. i thought it was pretty poignant and touched on the importance of the power of language. when i was younger, i used to discount the power of words and its effects on people, but yes, words are quite powerful and can alter the course of another person's life, or turn someone's shitty day into a great one.

Ive come to learn that the most important thing is something you've already done. Which is to be aware that you wish to become better and identify the areas you specifically want to work on.

Actions all come from beliefs which come from conditioning (things you were told or things you heard, things you saw and also things you actually experienced.) These things shape our Perception of truth. Our actions are only a result or "effect" of these non conscious beliefs.

Going back to your specific incidence, it wouldnt be proper for me to suggest advice. I can only help you ask yourself certain questions to look inside yourself. Only you know your true answer.

People often work on outer things, related to behavior or circumstance... such as what they shouldve said or how they couldve said it. They totally miss the deep rooted "cause" and focus on fixing just the "effect". We are emotional creatures of habit. When emotion goes up intelligence goes down. We've all said things under the gun that we later may have regretted. No matter how much we want to be a 'good person', under stress we revert back to our subconscious habits.

When we address the emotion behind it all we can work on the "cause". Otherwise, we will actually stunt our own growth and cork ourselves from self expression by being "tactful" or socially/politically correct. Of course those are important as well but they are more external.

your entire comment was awesome, steve. but this passage really stood out for me, especially in regards to being tactful. this touches on intent, and not the intent upon the receiver, but the intent upon oneself. why do i want to be a better person? what's driving me? guilt? because i feel bad about what i said?

i honestly don't know. but i fear that selfishness is driving it; my will to "appear" to be a better person for social gain.

sometimes i think Being_teri is right when he talks about love ruling everything.

Risky91, I can relate to what you experienced...many times over. I know exactly what you're saying in that when the words come out, even before they are finished coming out, you know that what was said was hurtful. My suggestion is that there is a lot of validity in leaving the room before you say something - you may think it does not show self-control, but it shows more self-control being able to restrain oneself, rather than letting it all out to appease some self desire to vent or whatever.

I have found for me, sometimes it is good to mentally visualize the effects of what you're saying - and especially, think about the consequences to others, right before you say something (I ask myself in my mental voice whether or not what I am about to say is going to be building up or tearing down). That has been a great trigger that has saved me from many potentially bad situations when I say something that I know I will regret later.

I also just make it a point not to talk at that point. I force myself to keep my mouth shut while I analyze the situation. I ask myself why I am entertaining saying something sarcastic or hurtful, and the analysis keeps my mouth shut until I can form a conclusion). Sometimes, by not saying something, it will convey the same message that either you are displeased, angered, etc., in a much more constructive way. If someone asks, "what is wrong?" during your analysis, just tell them that you need some time to think.

Sometimes I say things I regret to people, but I don't take their situation into account. Putting yourself in someone else's shoes is a really powerful way to empathize. If I am upset with someone, and am about to say something, I would say to myself, "Would I like to be the recipient of these words? How would I take it?" Again, the self-analysis will slow down your emotional response (I have found) and allow you to think more logically.

Finally, in all this, I re-assess what I am about to say and think if there's another, better and more constructive way I can get my point across without resorting to using hurtful words. If so, I use the alternative words. If not, I really, really try to keep my mouth shut, and if I can't, I just step out and take a breather.

All of this analysis takes place in a fairly short amount of time, but I have found by withholding what I want to say (almost a bit of a delay when I talk), it will pay dividends later, particularly in a relationship where you have some emotional intimacy or personal attachment.