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AznLover 28 and overDiscussions by members aged 28 and over.
as we get older, our parents get older along with us. for those who came from money, this issue really becomes a non-issue. but for those of us who were born into middle or lower class, this issue of aging parents eventually becomes a big issue and one that may require a lot from us in terms of finance, time and energy.
i'll get a little personal here and admit that i'm the youngest of three children who were raised in a middle-class family. my parents, although they did their best to raise us, made a few mistakes as all parents do. the end result being that my older siblings did not turn out to be Poster Children of Higher Education. and sadly, and quite unfairly, the responsibilty has been placed upon me, the youngest of the three. i've taken this on purely because i did not have a choice, and i also love them very much. but a part of me can't help but wonder what my life would have been like had my older siblings been on the more responsible level.
there's a part of me that's bitter and a part that accepts it with honor. and there's also the realistic part that knows there is no other way and it's up to me.
are any of you in a similar situation?
has it taken a big toll on your professional and personal life?
But even if I was not, such responsibilities would fall on my shoulders anyway. My sisters had the same education as I but turned out very different from me. They act more spoiled and act like they are owed or something... it is hard to explain.
Before my dad died, I was the one he relied on to bring him things to the hospital. I was the one who would cook stuff (my mom does not cook) for him and bring it home before he ended up in paliative care. When he was allowed out of the hospital for one last weekend at home, I was the one who spent the weekend to help my mom and I was the one who set up the alarm to be able to get up to give him his medecine in the middle of the night.
So, when my dad died, I was the one to spend the week with my mom, help her make the funeral arrangements, part with his things and such.
When mom sold the house and moved after having lived there for more than 30 years, I was the one who took time off from work (4 days) and helped her pack and move.
My sisters are not very good at giving but are very good at asking and taking.
I am fully aware that when it is time for my mom to go, I will be the one expected to deal with things.
I am not bitter but people have a way of always wanting more no matter how much you give... sometimes I get weary and tired. Sometimes, even if not often, I would like to be the one who can rely on somebody else.
But I accept the fact that some of us our here to "give" and "take care" wether it is at home or at work (sigh... the work situation is an entirely different post!!).
I also have to add that the time spent with my dad while he was ill, i will cherrish for ever as very precious time, moment that strenghtened even more a bond that was already very strong.
EVERYTHING begins with a good de-pantsing! Sunny, June 20th '08
I wouldn't trust you to run a bath, let alone a fucking restaurant!!Gordon Ramsay, Kitchen Nightmares
you're a great daughter, bergie. i think the way you described your younger siblings is very much in tune with how things are "supposed" to be. and it's quite sad. i look around and notice it's usually always ONE child taking on most of the load. although for me personally, my sister does help when she can, but my brother--the oldest of us three, is just a lost cause. i've learned not to blame anyone because it IS what it is. and although through most of my childhood i was the spoiled baby of the house, adulthood has been quite the slap-in-the-face for me.
in some ways i see the benefits and blessings i've gained from the added responsibilty, i.e. spending more time with my parents, learning more about them and becoming more of a man, but in other ways i just accept reality and make it the best i can.
looking at both of our situations, i'd have to say it would be nice to have a supportive spouse to be there with us through these times... but ahh, here i am wondering and imagining again!
as we get older, our parents get older along with us. for those who came from money, this issue really becomes a non-issue. but for those of us who were born into middle or lower class, this issue of aging parents eventually becomes a big issue and one that may require a lot from us in terms of finance, time and energy.
i'll get a little personal here and admit that i'm the youngest of three children who were raised in a middle-class family. my parents, although they did their best to raise us, made a few mistakes as all parents do. the end result being that my older siblings did not turn out to be Poster Children of Higher Education. and sadly, and quite unfairly, the responsibilty has been placed upon me, the youngest of the three. i've taken this on purely because i did not have a choice, and i also love them very much. but a part of me can't help but wonder what my life would have been like had my older siblings been on the more responsible level.
there's a part of me that's bitter and a part that accepts it with honor. and there's also the realistic part that knows there is no other way and it's up to me.
are any of you in a similar situation?
has it taken a big toll on your professional and personal life?
do you ever wonder the same things i have?
Sadly, I know igzactly what this is like. My mother was fighting cancer for 9 years, in the 8th year she got too bad off and could no longer do anything by herself. My younger sister was not ready to give up her partying and boys and ect. So I gave up something , I quit college partly because i was pregnant, and partly because my mother needed care. I had transfered from william and mary to MU in maryland, I loved it because su and I were together, and we were happy that we could see each other every day, In part, i blame myself for him going back to korea, because i left maryland to take care of my mom. So In a way I gave up alot of my happiness. I came home to west virginia, and took the best care i could of my mom. My sister meanwhile, was draining my moms bank account, my mom could not pay bills, or the mortgage, so I took a job for little ceazars pizza .
As time passed by, and the baby inside of me was growing, It got harder to juggle so many things. I did not have a car at the time, but my sister did, my sister refused to help take mom to the doctor, or take me to the grocery to get things, I often walked in the snow, 7-8 months pregnant, for 3 miles to a store....i walked to work, about 4 miles daily to and back (totally 8 miles)... My sister didnt give a flying rats ass what happened to mom, or my unborn child. Infact, my sister was trying to pressure me heavily into giving the baby up for adoption. We even went to an adoption agency together....
It got to the point where my sister 'set up' an adoption, and brought the people over to the house to meet me, and then of course i felt OBLIGATED to give my baby to them. All the while, my sister telling me 'that korean guy doesnt care about you-he left-you cant take care of another kid are you crazy?'.
But my mom, being the wonderful person she was, convinced me to keep the baby the day he was born. I seen his beautiful face, and I couldnt give him away, i just couldnt. Later, my mom told me , she had prayed to God, to let her live long enough to meet her grandson...and she did. 3 months after my son Andrew was born, my mother passed away.
Taking care of parents is hard, especially if you have to do it alone, but you have to know how much your parents love you Risky, and like my mom always said " I changed your diapers , now your turn to change mine " She was always so humorous and happy no matter what kind of pain she felt. Enjoy your parents while you can, and dont consider it 'taking care' of them, just consider it 'spending time' with them. Tell your mom and dad that you love them, every chance that you get! Slip your mom a kiss on the cheek , or your dad a hug, even the smallest things can make them feel so much better! I used to lick my moms cheek and say 'puppy kissiessssss!!!!" she thought it was hilarious, TRY THAT!
I have not yet have to take care of my parent....but more so, my grandparent....Grandmother to be exact.
I'm the only child in the house, and for some reason, even though I have at least 10 cousins (all older) close by, I've been the sole care taker along with my mother. This has interferred with my education GREATLY. I've had to drop classes, and failed some along the way.
At times I've felt like I'm biting myself in the ass by doing so...but at the same time, I can't help but care. She's the only one in the family I actually got along with no problem.
"Fuck off with your sofa units and strine green stripe patterns, I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may." - Tyler Durden
I am the youngest daughter of a family of two boys and two girls. My mother is disabled and none of us (her children ) are in a postion to take care of her. For me it's financial and a bit of selfishness. I feel I am too young to have to assume the big responsibilty. I feel guilty for not being able to care for her. I did promise her that when i do get to a finacially stable point in my life i will help her out. MY oldest brother is in a diffetrent state and can only send his love and money. I am 21, my mother is 43. It is tradition in my family for the children, whoever can, to take care of our parents when they need to be taken care of...but who knew the time would be so soon? I understand how you feel about it being unfair. I wish my Mom had planned better for her future and taken better care of herself. I love her, however it is even more difficult because we did not have a good relationship before she became disabled in 2002. It is difficult but I feel like taking care of her is something I have to do. I feel i owe her. She took care of me, loved me and despite her many faults was the best Mom she knew how to be. For now, she is in fair health and able to do things on her own despite the disability, but the day will come when she will really need me and at that time i will step up to the plate.
Sunny, June 20th '08
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She was always so humorous and happy no matter what kind of pain she felt. Enjoy your parents while you can, and dont consider it 'taking care' of them, just consider it 'spending time' with them. Tell your mom and dad that you love them, every chance that you get! Slip your mom a kiss on the cheek , or your dad a hug, even the smallest things can make them feel so much better! I used to lick my moms cheek and say 'puppy kissiessssss!!!!" she thought it was hilarious, TRY THAT! 
