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BF+AM Issues - Seeking Conversation
I'm looking for mature conversation that focuses on the underlying reasons why AM/BF may or may not want to date BF/AM. I'm worried about creating a thread on this topic because it has been done to some varying degree throughout AL. In my opinion, most haven't succeeded in addressing why there seems to be a wall preventing BF/AM from getting together. That is not to say that there haven't been excellent responses, but I feel like their over all message just isn't reaching everyone. I guess what I'm looking for is that people - especially AM/BF - not fall back on assumptions, generalizations, stereotypes and whatever else prevents them from pursuing people of the different race.
These are some issues that I think affect potential BF/AM couples:
Preference/Taste - Many people will say they prefer this race or that race. Obviously you're entitled to this. I think, however, that these same people have underlying reasons for this preference that may be founded by other issues. For me, I do not have a very strong interest in white men. There are few that I find attractive, but I'm not interested in dating them. But I must ask myself why. Well, I don't like hairy men, and many white men that I have met are hairy like monkeys. This is a huge turn off to me, so I generally don't even look twice at white guys. Terrible generalization, I know, but I'd prefer just not to date them. On another, deeper note, I also think my issue goes back to perception of slavery in America. White men were allowed to rape black slave women, and I have this fear that that idea is still carried in the mind of many white men, if only unconsciously. Black women are property, jezebels, uncultured creatures who are useful in nothing more than sex in the white man's eye. I do not doubt that this is more than likely ridiculous, but this idea colors how I feel about white men. In recognizing this problem, I can, in time, overcome it.
I feel like most people who prefer one race over another are in the same boat as me, only they don't ask why. I believe wholeheartedly that there is an underlying reason that one may or may not be aware of, or just refuses to acknowledge. I wish, in an effort to be fair, that people would challenge their own preferences/tastes just to be sure that they aren't being unfair to someone else for reasons that person can't control. I think a lot of the things I'm going to bring up here can color your choice to not date an AM or BF. If you are a BF/AM that prefers not to date a AM/BF, ask yourself why. Really ask yourself why.
Environment - In some parts of the world, Asians and Blacks just don't have much interaction. As a result, some Asians and Blacks don't know how to behave around or interact with each other. If they've allowed themselves to believe stereotypes and generalizations, they don't have any vested interest in interacting with each other. I think also that both races are unsure how to act on their attraction for the other, if the attraction is there, of course.
I think the best lesson here is not to make assumptions. I grew up in a very ethnically diverse neighborhood and so associating with Asians was not a big deal to me. When I went to college, I met many people who did not come from diverse areas. I assumed, however, that they did, and would therefore not be uncomfortable with associating with me. Big mistake. I would have approached these people in different ways had I known they may not be used to black people. But at the same time, Asians and Blacks should not assume that they cannot develop relationships (i.e. friendships, associations, etc.) simply because they've never been around the other before. If we are to bridge the gap, we must take steps. Doing nothing yields nothing. If you're okay with that, why are you reading my blog?
Past Experiences - I think both Asians and Blacks can say they've had bad experiences with the other race. To deny this would be stupid. To let it prevent you from any further association with an Asian or Black person is slightly immature, in my opinion. I say slightly because bad experiences vary in gravity and so some reluctance toward future associations can be expected, but also many people tend to overgeneralize about the entire group of people. For example, in my blog I mentioned that an Asian lady at a restaurant was giving my family and I dirty looks. The experience was very hurtful, but am I going to stay away from Asians from now on? No.
But some people do this, especially when it comes to dating. This person did this, so I assume all of those kind of people are like that. This person rejected me, so I feel all of those kind of people will also reject me. I say, grow up and stop overgeneralizing. Would you stop dating males/females because one broke your heart?
Parental Influence - I think this one is pretty much self explanatory. Some people's parents just don't want their children dating someone of some race. And some people do exactly as their parents say. Unfortunately, we must accept this. They key however, is not to overgeneralize and carry that experience to other relationships. BF, if you meet an AM whose parents hate you, don't go thinking every AM's parents are the same. AM, the same goes for you.
Blacks vs. Blacks/Black Families & Relationships - I'm not sure how much validity this has, but I found it in the thread and thought it was interesting. Someone made a point that Asians might be turned off by blacks because of how they interact with other blacks. I won't bring up specific inter-race issues, but someone said something to this affect: "If we cannot love our own race, how can we expect others to do the same?" That make sense to me. Asians have a history of banding together, supporting each other, and doing well as a whole. You don't see many black communities doing that (and if it is out there, it isn't being shown.) We also come from a history of broken families, and aren't doing much to improve upon that. Asians place much value on family, and naturally would look for that quality in a potential mate.
I can see why this might affect how AM look at BF. I wonder if some AM feel this way, and am very interested in any mature feedback on this topic.
Stereotypes - My favorite thing (and by favorite I mean I hate it) about stereotypes is that it's often a one way street. If someone meets a black person who likes fried chicken, they might think, "See, black people DO love friend chicken!" However, if someone meets a black person who doesn't like fried chicken, I think there is a very small chance that they would think, "Hmm, maybe ALL black people DON'T love fried chicken." The original stereotype usually still sticks.
I think there are stereotypes that prevent some Asians and Blacks from being interested in or liking the other. Most people don't even seek out situations in which they can be proven wrong. Instead they think "Blacks are violent"/"Asians are rude" and avoid Blacks/Asians like the plague. So long as we hang on to these stereotypes and don't see conversations or opportunities to test their validity, there will forever be an invisible, and unnecessary, wall between each other.
Some other things I've come up with some friends are:
Dark colors - Dark colors are considered bad luck or unattractive in some Asian cultures.
Assumptions - Assume AM or BF do not like BF or AM. This is a tired excuse, and a cop out in my opinion, that may or may not be related to the things I've talked about above.
AX/WX = Model Couple - Bandwagon mentality.
Someone asked in a post if a lack of seeing AM/BF couples really affects my ability to date AM. Not completely. I recognize that other issues affect whether or not an AM wants to date me. But, at the same time, it's nice to see those couples because it means that there are people who have overcome the issues I've address. It's encouraging. We also often learn by example - if they can do it, I can do it type of thing.
Really, I just want some honest, mature conversation on this. I'm tired of letting assumptions and generalizations and stereotypes dictate how Blacks and Asians communicate, or don't communicate. If we are to make progress, we must clear the air. I hope there are people out there who feel the same.
These are some issues that I think affect potential BF/AM couples:
Preference/Taste - Many people will say they prefer this race or that race. Obviously you're entitled to this. I think, however, that these same people have underlying reasons for this preference that may be founded by other issues. For me, I do not have a very strong interest in white men. There are few that I find attractive, but I'm not interested in dating them. But I must ask myself why. Well, I don't like hairy men, and many white men that I have met are hairy like monkeys. This is a huge turn off to me, so I generally don't even look twice at white guys. Terrible generalization, I know, but I'd prefer just not to date them. On another, deeper note, I also think my issue goes back to perception of slavery in America. White men were allowed to rape black slave women, and I have this fear that that idea is still carried in the mind of many white men, if only unconsciously. Black women are property, jezebels, uncultured creatures who are useful in nothing more than sex in the white man's eye. I do not doubt that this is more than likely ridiculous, but this idea colors how I feel about white men. In recognizing this problem, I can, in time, overcome it.
I feel like most people who prefer one race over another are in the same boat as me, only they don't ask why. I believe wholeheartedly that there is an underlying reason that one may or may not be aware of, or just refuses to acknowledge. I wish, in an effort to be fair, that people would challenge their own preferences/tastes just to be sure that they aren't being unfair to someone else for reasons that person can't control. I think a lot of the things I'm going to bring up here can color your choice to not date an AM or BF. If you are a BF/AM that prefers not to date a AM/BF, ask yourself why. Really ask yourself why.
Environment - In some parts of the world, Asians and Blacks just don't have much interaction. As a result, some Asians and Blacks don't know how to behave around or interact with each other. If they've allowed themselves to believe stereotypes and generalizations, they don't have any vested interest in interacting with each other. I think also that both races are unsure how to act on their attraction for the other, if the attraction is there, of course.
I think the best lesson here is not to make assumptions. I grew up in a very ethnically diverse neighborhood and so associating with Asians was not a big deal to me. When I went to college, I met many people who did not come from diverse areas. I assumed, however, that they did, and would therefore not be uncomfortable with associating with me. Big mistake. I would have approached these people in different ways had I known they may not be used to black people. But at the same time, Asians and Blacks should not assume that they cannot develop relationships (i.e. friendships, associations, etc.) simply because they've never been around the other before. If we are to bridge the gap, we must take steps. Doing nothing yields nothing. If you're okay with that, why are you reading my blog?
Past Experiences - I think both Asians and Blacks can say they've had bad experiences with the other race. To deny this would be stupid. To let it prevent you from any further association with an Asian or Black person is slightly immature, in my opinion. I say slightly because bad experiences vary in gravity and so some reluctance toward future associations can be expected, but also many people tend to overgeneralize about the entire group of people. For example, in my blog I mentioned that an Asian lady at a restaurant was giving my family and I dirty looks. The experience was very hurtful, but am I going to stay away from Asians from now on? No.
But some people do this, especially when it comes to dating. This person did this, so I assume all of those kind of people are like that. This person rejected me, so I feel all of those kind of people will also reject me. I say, grow up and stop overgeneralizing. Would you stop dating males/females because one broke your heart?
Parental Influence - I think this one is pretty much self explanatory. Some people's parents just don't want their children dating someone of some race. And some people do exactly as their parents say. Unfortunately, we must accept this. They key however, is not to overgeneralize and carry that experience to other relationships. BF, if you meet an AM whose parents hate you, don't go thinking every AM's parents are the same. AM, the same goes for you.
Blacks vs. Blacks/Black Families & Relationships - I'm not sure how much validity this has, but I found it in the thread and thought it was interesting. Someone made a point that Asians might be turned off by blacks because of how they interact with other blacks. I won't bring up specific inter-race issues, but someone said something to this affect: "If we cannot love our own race, how can we expect others to do the same?" That make sense to me. Asians have a history of banding together, supporting each other, and doing well as a whole. You don't see many black communities doing that (and if it is out there, it isn't being shown.) We also come from a history of broken families, and aren't doing much to improve upon that. Asians place much value on family, and naturally would look for that quality in a potential mate.
I can see why this might affect how AM look at BF. I wonder if some AM feel this way, and am very interested in any mature feedback on this topic.
Stereotypes - My favorite thing (and by favorite I mean I hate it) about stereotypes is that it's often a one way street. If someone meets a black person who likes fried chicken, they might think, "See, black people DO love friend chicken!" However, if someone meets a black person who doesn't like fried chicken, I think there is a very small chance that they would think, "Hmm, maybe ALL black people DON'T love fried chicken." The original stereotype usually still sticks.
I think there are stereotypes that prevent some Asians and Blacks from being interested in or liking the other. Most people don't even seek out situations in which they can be proven wrong. Instead they think "Blacks are violent"/"Asians are rude" and avoid Blacks/Asians like the plague. So long as we hang on to these stereotypes and don't see conversations or opportunities to test their validity, there will forever be an invisible, and unnecessary, wall between each other.
Some other things I've come up with some friends are:
Dark colors - Dark colors are considered bad luck or unattractive in some Asian cultures.
Assumptions - Assume AM or BF do not like BF or AM. This is a tired excuse, and a cop out in my opinion, that may or may not be related to the things I've talked about above.
AX/WX = Model Couple - Bandwagon mentality.
Someone asked in a post if a lack of seeing AM/BF couples really affects my ability to date AM. Not completely. I recognize that other issues affect whether or not an AM wants to date me. But, at the same time, it's nice to see those couples because it means that there are people who have overcome the issues I've address. It's encouraging. We also often learn by example - if they can do it, I can do it type of thing.
Really, I just want some honest, mature conversation on this. I'm tired of letting assumptions and generalizations and stereotypes dictate how Blacks and Asians communicate, or don't communicate. If we are to make progress, we must clear the air. I hope there are people out there who feel the same.
Total Comments 10
Comments
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When I was younger (about 9 or 10), my first kiss was yes, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. From that day on, I've been attracted to white girls. My parents teased me about it up until I was about 14 or 15.
So since I was about 9 or 10, they'd always tell me to bring home a Chinese or white girl. Just don't bring home a black girl or Indian girl. My parents aren't people who are too accepting of other cultures, and even to this day they still hold some reservations about non-Chinese being able to get along with me in a relationship.
It wasn't until I was into my mid to late teens that I really didn't care what race a girl was. I found myself attracted to girls regardless of race. When I got into my first serious relationship and talked to my parents about it, that's when they told me that they really don't care who I date. They said that as long as they made me happy, they would be happy.
It's something I intend to hold my parents to since I don't really expect myself to marry a Chinese girl. Even if they did care, I wouldn't, because I'm the one marrying her. They won't be the one spending the rest of their lives with her, I will. I won't marry a Chinese girl just to make someone happy. I'll marry the one who makes me happy, and will make our future children happy. That is all.Posted 04-27-2008 at 01:00 AM by Thief
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i totally agree on what u say thief, i totally feel the same and regardless of whatever races there are, i don't mind, as long as you don't try to change my religionPosted 04-27-2008 at 07:37 PM by kev
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Excellent writeup.
- There can definitely be significant pressure from the family (or others of your own race or ethnicity) if one doesn't stick to his or her "own kind".
- Limited interaction can be a factor even in a diverse area like the Bay Area. In my job, hobbies, and previously, schooling, I really don't have the opportunity to interact much with some races.
That's the nice thing about this site..... the potential to bring people together, to educate, to entertain, and to stimuate discussion.Posted 04-27-2008 at 07:52 PM by biker
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Wow an extremely insightful and interesting blog to read, I understand what you are saying... I'll be honest I was slightly intimidated speaking to you for the first time in Japanese class, didn't know why but i'm glad I did talk to you and get to know you it was probably one of the best things I had happen to me at UCR
. (btw a lot of people intimidate me lol)Posted 04-28-2008 at 01:01 PM by Aznboi20
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Very well said dani!
I don't get the whole family issue tho..why would you care what your parents think? Like eddie said...they aren't the ones with the girl. So, when I hear that a guy broke up with their girl because their parents didn't approve... I think to myself "grow some fuckin balls!"
I love my mom and dad...but if they tell me...I don't like him cuz he's such and such...I'd say screw you. I'm an adult..and I do what I want. They kno I date outside my race...they deal with it.and I'm thankful for that.
its 2008. If you like or are attracted to a BF...go for it! Stop the stereotyping... we are not all the same. "Loud" "ghetto" "attitude" or whatever other things out there about us.
I don't feel as strongly about it as dani...because...I date every race.. For everyone who doesn't like me there are many more who do. If an asian man doesn't want me...oh well. His loss.Posted 04-28-2008 at 10:49 PM by brwnsuga0407
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Dani, I think one of the key points you made goes beyond BF/AM, and applies to everyone throughout life. How many people consciously reflect on themselves inwardly and then challenge themselves to move beyond their comfort zone &/or place of mere familiarity? I believe that it takes courage and perserverance to do this.
Clearly your life is already richer because you do this, and you'll be amazed as time goes on how the world will open up to you in ways you've never imagined.
Thanks for posting this in your blog even though you were concerned about how the conversation might go. Posts like this which reflect deeper thought and cognition in a respectful way brighten my day.
I also wanted to add that I agree that environment, exposure, and experience are markedly significant factors. I grew up with siblings of differnt races and combinations of race. None of us were biologically related to the family in which we grew up. Also, many of the adults I knew while growing up traveled to various places around the globe promoting education, health, and sustainability. All the kids in our extended community and circle of friends loved looking at the photographs and listening to the stories from their trips. Sometimes they would bring their friends from these other places with them to visit us. We loved when the visitors would make some of their traditional food for us to try, and we would do the same for them. Our community spent alot of time having meals and conversation together.
Although we were a type of minority in the town where I grew up, which was very WASPy at the time, our family and friends gave us almost constant exposure to and experience with other cultures. These kinds of experiences continued for me during and after college as well. Some I actively sought out and others just sort of landed in my lap. I feel very fortunate. I'm so grateful to them for all of what I've mentioned already, and for encouraging first a curiosity and then supporting my love of travel and adventure. However, even with all of that in my background, I still had my own assumptions, prejudice, and stereotypes to deal with throughout my life...both externally and internally. None of us are exempt, but willingness to challenge ourselves is imperative.Posted 05-12-2008 at 06:15 AM by ookajade
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"But at the same time, Asians and Blacks should not assume that they cannot develop relationships (i.e. friendships, associations, etc.) simply because they've never been around the other before. If we are to bridge the gap, we must take steps. Doing nothing yields nothing."
You are so right about that. I'd only wish more people would be able to read what you have blogged because its well written and gets straight to the point.Posted 05-27-2008 at 05:23 PM by Chilly Boy
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Great post!Posted 05-30-2008 at 02:37 AM by sublimityeternal
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I really like what you have written in this blog. Many good points! I have never had a problem with interacial dating, if a guy likes me, I like him and we can click, it is good enough. I am waiting to see the day that AM will really start to show that they find us as attractive as we find them. So far It seems mostly the other way around. Sad but true.Posted 05-30-2008 at 01:31 PM by cutiepie2
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great blog! This will make me sound like an asian stalker but i've been actively seeking an Asian Male to date since i was 21 years old. I've rarely dated a Black Male and most of my interests have been the non stereotypical black interests. I've been consistently accused of Acting White by my Black Peers. Of course being a military brat has made me accepting of all cultures. One culture i realy embraced was the asian culture. IT seems though in my Area that Asian Guys go after asians or White girls exclusively. Even if they are super big wanna be's their ride or die chick is a white or asian girl. Some i asked said its cause Black girls are too difficult or the ones they were interested in were too ghetto or worse that White girls were Easy. I tried online avenues to meet Asian men and it seemed i attracted Blonde haired Blue eyed dudes named chris or some ghetto black guy. So meeting and currently dating my FOB Chinese dude is something of a dream come true. I was dating yet another blonde/Blue when i met my asian and i promptly dropped him to be with my asian. Honestly, i'd been waiting for so long, he was cute, and had everything else i was looking for in a dude i couldn't resist! I am his first Black female and i surprise him daily. He was apprehensive at first but as he sees my personality unravel he sees that we are perfectly matched in every way. i forgot my point . . . oh wellPosted 12-19-2008 at 04:36 PM by Skylerzane
