Hello again, Diary.

A daily record, usually private, esp. of the writer's own experiences, observations, feelings, attitudes, etc. - dictionary.com

I laugh at that word "daily". There is nothing daily about my diary. I have a very good habit of forgetting I have a diary until I've got some traumatic/dramatic/emotional something to write about. If you're thinking I wrote in my diary recently, you're correct. If that leads you to assume that something happened that falls in one of those three categories, you are right again.

I'm not going to share what a wrote because although I don't write in my diary daily, it is pretty private. I'm blogging today because writing in my diary usually leads me to reflect on past events or even read past entries and of course always gets me wondering. I'm blogging what my diary has led me to think. And I want to bear it all, to leave myself exposed to all manner of judgement.

You see, I have a history of failed relationships.

And really, failed is quite an understatement. I almost prefer to say they have almost all crashed and burned. I have a knack for getting involved with men who are emotionally and/or physically unavailable. There is the root of all my problems.

Whether it be an LDR (typically originating from an online relationship) or a fellow college student, my relationships with men have always ended poorly. No matter how much I think I've grown up, matured, gained knowledge and experience, I can't help but feel all of it goes out the window when I've found some body I like. I still, for some odd reason, go for the men who are emotionally and/or physically unavailable. So much for lesson learned.

There are times, not surprisingly, that I find myself feeling unfit for a relationship: is there something about me that makes me so undesirable that I'm not worth fighting for? Or perhaps I'm a masochist - I love to be heart broken, miserable, and sad, I love the pain those feelings cause me. Maybe I'm just stupid and desperate.

Even as I write this, I can see that I am such a fool. Yes, I am at fault for seeking out unavailable men. But these men have their own issues to work out before they become available, and I shouldn't look down on myself because they have issues.

And were those previous relationships really failures? I have learned so much about myself - what I want and don't want, what I will and will not tolerate. I have built and rebuilt my standards. Not standards for the type of man I want, but for me and how I expect to be treated.

So despite having "failed" another "relationship", writing that one diary entry has brought on enough self reflection and growth to help me move on. Today, for the first time in a while, I feel great about myself and where I am in life. It love it.

Thank you, Diary.