An Odd Place

I'm feeling kind of out of sorts these days. I'm in this weird limbo where I can't go forward, but I definitely will not go backward. I'm comfortable w/where I am and how things are, but a small part of me still wants something more. Not quite sure of myself, my feelings, my thoughts - especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I'm holding back, even though I want more.

And I feel like I don't make sense at all.

There is so much going on, yet, not much going on. Several coworkers at one of my jobs have expressed interest in me. One of my female coworkers even flirts with me! Then there are two other guys outside of work who have also expressed interest. And then there is Ricky, who is so awesome and wonderful that he has his own category.

But I don't know what to do w/myself. No one believes me when I say it, but I am NOT used to this kind of attention. I was never the girl in middle school, high school, or even college, who attracted males. All of my friends got the attention, where as I was pretty much invisible. It, of course, affected my self-esteem, and didn't help me come out of my shy little bubble. I've progressed quite a bit from that naive girl, but all this attention still catches me off guard!

I'm told I'm beautiful, that I have a great body, and a fantastic smile. Ricky flatters me about all this and more. Yet, a part of me still doesn't believe all the hype! I don't know what to do w/myself, or handle all the obvious/veiled interest in me. I don't know what to do! And even if I did, I think I'm too scared to do anything about it. I feel like a large majority (if not all) of my experiences w/men have been disasters. Every time I hope that a relationship will go somewhere, it somehow blows up in my face or falls apart for some other reason. It makes me very, very wary of all this attention I'm getting. Maybe it's too good to be true.

I feel like I'm sabotaging things before they can even get started.

So like I said. I'm in an odd place. It's frustrating. I have so much to give, no one to give it to, but I'm too scared to give it even if there was someone. All I can do is hope to keep those interested in me at bay. I need my space, and I need to drum up the courage to say so even though I fear it might hurt some feelings. My first responsibility is to myself. I don't want to get myself into something I'm not ready to handle. I don't want to get hurt again.

So I'll just wait in my little limbo until I figure things out.