I need a job and I'm trying to get done to just one or two medications. The meds have caused a bit of weight gain and it's bringing me down. >.< I'm working on it, though.

We'll see what happens, right?

That's pretty much the only bad thing right now. Everything else is pretty damn good.

bella3

My old psychiatrist tried to kill me by taking me straight off of my Effexor without bringing me down slowly through time. I went into serious withdraws and could not function for a couple of weeks. It got to the point I had to go to the ER.

This was done, though, for a reason. Extreme mania. Fantastic, right? Mania means I'm already high enough, and antidepressants increase that. So the natural idea is to bring it down, right? Wrong.

I wasn't just manic for...

bella3

To sum up the missing parts of my disappearance to now:

I've got new piercings. I've got a girlfriend.

I've found out what's wrong with me.

I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I'm BIPOLAR, or Manic Depressive, whichever term you prefer. I'm on a lot of meds, some of them used illegally sometimes. *snorts*

I'm insanely deep in debt.

I don't remember what it's like to relax.

I have hardcore sleeping problems...

bella3

Four years and counting since my dad died.


Rest in peace.


I don't think you know how much I miss you.





On the same day, I visited my psychologist. She wants me to see a psychiatrist as well, and she's going to do some testing on me. She also told me she wanted me to check into a hospital, but I can't. I have to work.

Then I went to the cemetery.

Where my dad's buried.
...

bella3

Insert my Hella intense phobia of medical personnel, medical locations, and medical procedures here.

6:45 AM tomorrow morning, I go into the dentist and get all four wisdom teeth removed.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm fidgety. This is not good. I am not under control. I hate this. I'll probably be out of it for several days. I have darvocet and only hope to go along that this will be fine, all will be well.




I'm still scared.

bella3

...

bella3

killing me
he's killing me
we killing me
me killing me

killing me ......

infectious human waste
forefather
cancer
hunter
prostate gods

killer
KILLER

a testosterone feeding drone
multiplying, multiplying hungry clones

time to
DEFY
the HIVE

KILL YOUR MASTERS!

MENOCIDE!


our time has come!!!
...

bella3

...

bella3

...

bella3

I hate her. I hate her I hate her I hate her so fucking much.


She threw his clothes out. I have some of his things, she's not touching them. But his clothes ... I want his clothes. I want to smell him. I miss the way he smells. I need it. I want it. And she got rid of them.

I found a card she sent to him when we were in North Carolina. Apparently he never got it because it was never opened.

I hate her.

I do.

So much....

bella3