Parent drama
Posted 11-19-2008 at 09:56 PM by CityLights
I'm 20 years old, and I started my first semester of college in September. I, like many, am paying with loans. No money was put away for me as a child because 1. I am one of five children and 2. I was raised by a stay at home mom and a mechanic who divorced when I was 8. Needless to say, we were a paycheck to paycheck kind of family.
To top it off, my father was/is/i don't know anymore/ a drug addict. For a time during my teen years he was homeless while going from job to job, and because of this, I often didn't get child support from him. We stopped talking when I was 17.
Supposedly he's clean and sober now, and I've agreed to have dinner with him in a few weeks, just to see for myself. And well, even if he was sort of a deadbeat, I miss him.
The issue is plain and simple, I need money for school. Not only my classes and necessities, but wanting to live in the dorms. I do plan to get a job at the college, but it simply will not be enough to live on my own. However, my father owes me $75,000 in back-support. The only catch? I'd have to sue him to get it.
There in lies the problem. How could I sue my father while in the middle of trying to re-build our relationship? And when I go to meet him, I don't want "I need money" to be the first thing out of my mouth, I am by no means spoiled and I wouldn't want to come off that way.
But at the same time, he does owe it to me. He wasn't there when I really needed him, he couldn't support me, and now that he wants back in my life it seems like the least he could do is give me a little bit so I can live in a dorm, or at least buy some books, something.
Eh, drama.
To top it off, my father was/is/i don't know anymore/ a drug addict. For a time during my teen years he was homeless while going from job to job, and because of this, I often didn't get child support from him. We stopped talking when I was 17.
Supposedly he's clean and sober now, and I've agreed to have dinner with him in a few weeks, just to see for myself. And well, even if he was sort of a deadbeat, I miss him.
The issue is plain and simple, I need money for school. Not only my classes and necessities, but wanting to live in the dorms. I do plan to get a job at the college, but it simply will not be enough to live on my own. However, my father owes me $75,000 in back-support. The only catch? I'd have to sue him to get it.
There in lies the problem. How could I sue my father while in the middle of trying to re-build our relationship? And when I go to meet him, I don't want "I need money" to be the first thing out of my mouth, I am by no means spoiled and I wouldn't want to come off that way.
But at the same time, he does owe it to me. He wasn't there when I really needed him, he couldn't support me, and now that he wants back in my life it seems like the least he could do is give me a little bit so I can live in a dorm, or at least buy some books, something.
Eh, drama.
Total Comments 7
Comments
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I see nothing wrong in asking your dad for what is owed to you.
If he's truly sorry and wants to try and work things out, he will bring it up himself. There's no reason for you not to be angry, mad or confused about it. He owes you money and he owes you LOVE. Don't you worry about the money issue. Tell him whatever is on your mind.
Good luck.Posted 11-20-2008 at 01:51 AM by Intolight
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From experience, I am going to say that you can forget about the 75K he owes. Most likely he still struggles with money himself given his drug history and doesn't have what he owes in back child support lying around.
Decide what's most important to you - having your dad back in your life, or having that money. And then FORGET the other.
I'm going to guess that you want your dad ... I say this because every son or daughter that I've ever met (and I work with lots of them) does. If that's the case, don't even bring up the back child support. Ever. What you CAN do is ask for small amounts that might help - such as "dad do you think you could help a bit with textbooks, they cost SO much!"
What this will do is not make him feel more guilt than he already does (and yes, he does feel guilt). And it will let him feel good that he CAN help you where you need it. Both of those will go a long way towards re-establishing your relationship. And people usually WILL give more when they aren't forced to, but do it out of the goodness of their heart.
If you're most worried about the 75K ... ask for it ... and then expect that you won't be in your dad's life much, because like I said he probably doesn't have it to give, and will then feel like you don't want him around unless he does. Plus the guilt will be an unbearable load for him to carry, so he will do what most people tend and avoid it.
Or you could go the route that you want to avoid and sue him ... and then hope with the 75K that you win (and still will never see a dime of unless he already has that much lying around his house - just because you WIN a lawsuit doesn't actually mean you are EVER going to get any money) that you can buy a new dad.
What YOU choose now can make the whole difference in the future of the relationship between the two of you.Posted 11-20-2008 at 05:41 AM by tigerlilly5 
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I would say meet with him first time and don't mention money. See if he offers you some on his own. If he doesn't, then I would not get too close. A lot of people hide money in order to avoid payment for child support. He could have money stashed away somewhere and just not let you know. He may think he's in the clear since you are older. If someone owes child support, it's the law that they pay. Even if he was a past drug addict, it does not excuse him from paying what he owes. I'm not sure how long you can take to sue for the money. So, if your going to go that route, then you'd better hurry.Posted 11-20-2008 at 07:06 AM by luvasiagal
Updated 11-20-2008 at 12:20 PM by luvasiagal -
From what you have said, it seems likely that he wouldn't be able to help you with all that money he owes. What is the point of suing someone who has no money?
I wouldn't ask him right away for money but just let him know what kind of problems you are having. If he doesn't respond to that, just ask him straight off if he can help you in any way.Posted 11-20-2008 at 09:37 AM by Boondocksaints
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I agree with what tigerlilly said, consider her advice.
As much as I wish you would get what you deserve, asking constantly broke people to pay such an amount is rather futile.
You really need to decide if you rather want him or the cash, and honestly, even if he gets a law suit he will likely not ever pay all of it.Posted 11-20-2008 at 09:52 AM by Lady_Fate
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Hi CityLights,
I agree with what the tigerlilly5 has said also. I think that it is better to not ask your father for any money, and to preserve your own relationship with him, and to keep him in your own life, than to sue him. And, if as you said in your blog post, you are worried about seeming spoiled and acting inappropriately towards him, then I think that you should not ask him for any money when you go and meet him in a couple of weeks, and to find a way to somehow, someway, make it on your own.
Have you ever thought of getting a job outside of the college, off-campus? From my experience with college, usually, college jobs off-campus pay more than jobs at the college. You might want to look into it, but that is just a suggestion.
But, if you really need the money, and are going to do one or the other thing anyway, I think that instead of suing him, and possibly risking alienating him, and doing future irreparable damage to your relationship that can't be fixed, that instead that you should just come right out, and ask for some money. If he has the money to give, and if you explain that you really need it, and what kind of dire situation you're in, he just might help you out. In my opinion, I think that it is better to possibly risk seeming a little bit spoiled and inappropriate to him and maybe even being a little bit ashamed that you asked him in front of him, than to possibly risk doing the even more wrong and inappropriate behavior of actually suing him, thereby possibly angering and offending him, and also possibly damaging your newly rediscovered relationship together permanantly and pushing him away forever. I think that asking him for the money and then explaining to him that you wouldn't be asking him for it unless you really needed it, and hopefully him helping you out a little is less wrong and inappropriate than you suing your own father.
Well, I hope that this has helped you somewhat, and that it has given you a little insight on your situation. Good luck to you whatever you choose to do. Hope it all turns out well for you.
See you on the other boards,
Observer41Posted 11-20-2008 at 11:48 AM by Observor41
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City: I feel your pain...fam drama over here. I sympathize with you.Posted 11-20-2008 at 04:37 PM by HunnieBee
