U must not know bout me, u must not know bout me
Posted 11-27-2007 at 02:01 PM by likehawaii
Day 3 – Nihilist
This is the phase were you are caught in that learned helplessness cycle. I don’t think it is often that I don’t think that it will be better eventually. As I stated earlier I am definitely a rat racer, so to get to a helpless phase, would be horrible. I have been to hell throughout my life and knew that one day it would be better- even if today wasn’t the day.
So perhaps I have been a bit of a Nihilist by not being more assertive about wanting my ex to leave. I suppose that I do feel helpless in this, but I am hopeful that it will get better. I feel that if I throw a fit something terrible may happen to me. That is the cycle of helplessness. Time passes and I sacrifice my happiness and my mental health. My anxiety is terrible. But as I knew all along, and now the end of all of this is here in 4 days. That really keeps me from being a Nihilist; I knew that it was worth it. Sadly, really I put my financial future before my personal happiness. I was thinking that not being in debt would make my life less stressful, but now I have a sickening feeling that perhaps staying in this situation is keeping me from a happiness I deserve and all the money in the world isn’t worth it. I have not been dating or even focusing on finding anyone because I: a.) Needed to survive the high stress level I am under at home and at work (combined it has been terrible) b.) Needed time to heal and be able to trust someone else – I had the fear now that people will change – but now I am back to my normal self. I swear when I got started 7 years ago with my ex, he wasn’t this bad. We dated a bit in 2001 & 2003, than again in 2005 we got together. I think I wanted to live a life where I felt safe and protected – and he stood to give that to me, until we moved in together, than everything changed. I know that he made me look bad; I was the girl everyone whispers “why is she with him” about. I have no love or feelings for my ex, except hate, and that isn’t healthy. I am slowing getting to the point where I hold no negative feelings, and I know that as soon as he is gone – that will be the case. The negative feelings are just based on the extreme annoyance he causes me. I hope that he can get himself the help he needs, but I don’t want anything to do with him. This is nothing new; I have been ready to move on for at least the last year.
Really these thought don’t go with the nihilist, but with my heart and needing to let someone know that they have nothing to worry about.
This is the phase were you are caught in that learned helplessness cycle. I don’t think it is often that I don’t think that it will be better eventually. As I stated earlier I am definitely a rat racer, so to get to a helpless phase, would be horrible. I have been to hell throughout my life and knew that one day it would be better- even if today wasn’t the day.
So perhaps I have been a bit of a Nihilist by not being more assertive about wanting my ex to leave. I suppose that I do feel helpless in this, but I am hopeful that it will get better. I feel that if I throw a fit something terrible may happen to me. That is the cycle of helplessness. Time passes and I sacrifice my happiness and my mental health. My anxiety is terrible. But as I knew all along, and now the end of all of this is here in 4 days. That really keeps me from being a Nihilist; I knew that it was worth it. Sadly, really I put my financial future before my personal happiness. I was thinking that not being in debt would make my life less stressful, but now I have a sickening feeling that perhaps staying in this situation is keeping me from a happiness I deserve and all the money in the world isn’t worth it. I have not been dating or even focusing on finding anyone because I: a.) Needed to survive the high stress level I am under at home and at work (combined it has been terrible) b.) Needed time to heal and be able to trust someone else – I had the fear now that people will change – but now I am back to my normal self. I swear when I got started 7 years ago with my ex, he wasn’t this bad. We dated a bit in 2001 & 2003, than again in 2005 we got together. I think I wanted to live a life where I felt safe and protected – and he stood to give that to me, until we moved in together, than everything changed. I know that he made me look bad; I was the girl everyone whispers “why is she with him” about. I have no love or feelings for my ex, except hate, and that isn’t healthy. I am slowing getting to the point where I hold no negative feelings, and I know that as soon as he is gone – that will be the case. The negative feelings are just based on the extreme annoyance he causes me. I hope that he can get himself the help he needs, but I don’t want anything to do with him. This is nothing new; I have been ready to move on for at least the last year.
Really these thought don’t go with the nihilist, but with my heart and needing to let someone know that they have nothing to worry about.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Its a case of clearing out your cupboards/closets.. getting rid of all the things in life you no longer require. Never should guilt play a part in this .. what is done is done, and only should be looked back upon with the eyes of a student seeing perhaps for the first time what one has learned from this. You are doing what you feel is right for you, what you have to do in order to stay healthy, in all ways. Yeah you go and flush the shit down the bloody toilet where it belongs, and enjoy the nothingness, cos you can bet your arse theres gonna be shit hitting the damn fan before you know it! Take this time to breathe for once, and sort out what matters to you personally... and fuck the rest of the world! Sometimes you have to be selfish, if you dont look after No1 nobody else will do it for you. However this pans out, i wish you well and hope for the best for you alone *hugs* Dont ever let anyone or anything hold you back from inner happyness.. If these people do happen to come into your life, tell them to F-off! Because theyve a terrible habit of dragging you down with them... Ive met plenty and got trapped in that circle of shit, and it took me a while to learn from that lesson.. Now i avoid it like the plague! Keep your chin up and do whats only right you.. And if you ever feel at a loss then dont worry because the nutters of Aznlover are here to help lol I was ready to move on for a year too at the end of my marriage, and when i did all hell broke loose. Ive had to be alone, and sacrifice not having my kids around for the sake of getting out of the shit.. Being helpless is a nightmare but not really as bad as you may think! And the bonus is it passes quickly. Oh fucksake ive ranted on here too long....... *kicks own arse out of blog*Posted 11-27-2007 at 03:01 PM by Dardillion
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keep up the reflection!Posted 02-29-2008 at 10:11 AM by twentyfour
