Best Wedding Evahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

(I was supposed to have written this last week but laziness got the better of me and Power Rangers was on)

OK sitting about in a hot church was annoying as hell (<the irony) especially lounging about in a 3 piece singing badly to hymns. It was so hot there was a guy in front of me who's shirt turned transparent Small children were actually melting The church itself was turning into glassWe had the little hymn sheets, that I promptly converted into a fan then an aeroplane, but what they don't point out was that some verses and/or choruses are repeated upto, roughly, a kajillion times! Everytime I thought I finished the final verse I'd go to sit down but then the choir would go again twice as loud and I swear they were looking, and singing, at me with sheer disdain 'how dare you sit before we finish the hymn! Just you wait outside...' Great I'm gonna get a pasting from a choir, again. When I woke up from my pasting several hours later we had to get to the restaurant where the banquet was being held which was in the busy city centre. If that wasn't bad enough there was the annual boat regatta happening as well so there was a boatload, arf, of tourists wondering around. Not really sure if it was intentional or not but the venue was right next to the casino where many a yellow man throws his hard earned money away including me. Brilliantly the casino has free parking for its members so we were all sorted for that, but unfortunately the church goers weren't and had to park a couple of miles away in some backstreets and walk back, in your face choir ruffians! I had a friend who, for some inexplicable reason, felt bad that he was using the casino car park without the intention of gambling so he put a quick bet on the roulette table and won £36.

In case anyone was wondering it was a yellow guy and a pasty white girl wedding. Generally there were a hell of a lot of AMXF relationships everywhere my chum Chowzer rolls up with a stunning ebony lovely who could, and indeed did, shake it on the dance floor. Another yellow brother with the unpronounceable name of Phil brought his white fiancée along and I was feeling the harsh, cold vacuum of loneliness yet again.... Which made mother go into overdrive trying to marry me off. As it turns out everyone wants me as a son in law and their second choice or silver medal, as it were, would be my fellow singleton Jimbo. Randomly I had a conversation with my dad because he wants me to get hitched and start firing out babies ASAP (obviously not me giving birth that's genetically impossible) and I found out if I was gay he didn't really care but if I didn't get married he'd go apeshit. Whaaa?! I don't know you anymore!!!


A quick note for anyone marrying a Chinese guy, don't have a seating plan such things have no meaning to older Chinese folk along with queueing and talking quietly.

The banquet itself was terrible the food was coming out at huge intervals and tasted crap. The lobster was overcooked and like rubber, the fish was dry, the weird super soft noodles had a burnt taste, the shark fin soup was just rubbish and why did you give us fortune cookies? How inappropriate and mine said 'you can stay slim if you eat fortune cookies' hardly the Atkins but I can give it a go

Enough of the babbling the after party was awesome I wish some of you could've been there but for the most part I'd prefer the majority of you lot to stay where you are. I had a weird drinking phase that night I started out on Coke then beers, then to my regular JD and coke, then green tea, more JDs then tea, then JDs then tea, some Sambuca a bit of puke then more tea and JDs. As you can imagine I was somewhat squiffy or as the French would say I was le fucked. I normally don't dance but when I'm this mashed I'd do most things, in my drunken state I thought I was like some sort of super dancing robot programmed with the greatest moves of the seventies, Nsync and whoever invented the birdy dance but in reality I was like a spider with 3 legs ripped off. To be honest I don't remember much of the dancing but I am told that Facebook remembers all. The only thing I do remember was a dance-off that I was disappointingly absent from because obviously my crazy drunken monkey style arm waving and spazzed out donkey kicking would've annihilated the competition Not sure who won Chowzer's GF was in the thick of it along with some Asian girl and I'm not afraid to say it but I was somewhat aroused. There was a moment where the DJ whacks on some Bhangra and the south Asians flood onto the dance floor to show us how it's done. My friend, the gorgeous south Asian Anita, drags me onto the dance floor as well and teaches me how to 'change the lightbulb'. Thanks to my pathetic alcohol tolerance I'm also happy(ish) to say that I won the 'Male ass of the party' award, I can't imagine what it involves all I have to remind me is a certificate... That's been crudely written out on a napkin...And its been used. Whether this means I have a good ass or I am an ass remains to be seen but to be honest it could be either. The next morning I found myself in unfamiliar surroundings and there's a delightful green dress on the floor and I can only imagine what happened. Horrible images of myself in the slinky green number flash through my mind at a sickening pace even more worryingly is that it looks oddly flattering. A faint murmur breaks my train of thought and I start to think 'Please be a person, please be a person' then the murmur turns into a slight grumble 'please be a girl, please be a girl' I hesitantly lift up the cover slowly like Chow Yun Fat revealing his last card in God of gamblers...Blonde hair good start...Pale skin good its not one of them Asian asexuals you read about...Yes! They have a face its not a doll...Come on boobies...Phew there be boobage its a girl. better look all the way downstairs to make sure, belt and braces and all that jazz. I sit and look at her I can't remember doing anything with her last night I vaguely remember talking to her and the memories slowly piece themselves together. That, dress, that bleach blonde hair, that face. You were a bridesmaid! Wow, I'm better than Jessica Fletcher. At this revelation she wakes from her slumber and climbs on top of me. I'm staring at her in a bit of shock and just blurt out the first thing I can think of.

"OMG You were amazing last night" She smiles and replies "Awww thank you, so were you" she says unconvincingly. But what I actually meant was 'OMG You looked amazing last night what happened?!' But I thought it best not to say anything. I can hear what your saying "Ricecooker you bitch face don't you do stuff like this every weekend? Going out embarrassing yourself, your friends, your family and your whole race!" And you'd be right to an extent whilst I do, do stupid things like this on a weekend I don't do it on a Saturday or a Sunday, wrap your noodle around that!