Into my mind you will find a place of rainbows, tornadoes, happiness and sadness, analogies and oxymorons. The mind is an enigma, and therefore, so am I
Summer Chronicles Part 5: Fortitude
Posted 08-15-2008 at 05:22 PM by Eiko212
Today I just got a wake up call that I am not as strong as I thought I was. Its really disheartening. It brought back up things in my life that I seriously thought I let go......but it seems I haven't.
I'm reminded of kindergarten, where I was ridiculed and taunted because of my intelligence. Girls would pull the barrettes out of my hair and tell me I was worthless.......
Third grade where I was bullied by a girl who was skinnier than me....she called me a fat pig and would steal my lunch money from my bag......no one would help me because I was still a social pariah........
Fifth grade when I was told by the most popular girl in the class that I would have the privilege of being beat up by her on the last day of school......
Eighth grade when I was told my majority of the male class of 2003 at a dance that I would never get a boyfriend because I was "too baldheaded and fat" to be attractive.
During these years I was quiet and complacent, allowing myself to be a doormat to these events. I thought of killing myself to make it stop. Yeah, at the 5th grade, I wanted to die. Came back at 8th grade too....but something snapped when I got to the middle of my 8th grade year and made me turn into the loud, rambunctious, and bold young woman I am today. I created a force within myself that blasts through and sometimes doesn't stop when its limit is reached
I looked up my birthday, February 17th, and it says that my day is the "Day of the Warrior." From birth, people born on that day learn through outside forces to harden themselves and create a mental armour to shield themselves from the harsh world, but underneath that shield, they are extremely sensitive and vulnerable, thus they rarely let that shield down, even with their closest friends and family. I admit I keep this armor in the form of my domineering personality. Very few people know me as a shy girl, one who really doesn't take too many bold risks, because I force the image of the unstoppable and unbreakable EIKO212.
Today, someone got under that armour. I didn't like it one bit. It made me feel helpless and alone, like I had nothing that I could offer or do to make it better. My heart felt like it had been stabbed a thousand times and then ripped out. In the back of my mind, all I could think was "Where is it??? Where is my strength??? Where is my fortitude????" I see I still have yet to find it....
I'm reminded of kindergarten, where I was ridiculed and taunted because of my intelligence. Girls would pull the barrettes out of my hair and tell me I was worthless.......
Third grade where I was bullied by a girl who was skinnier than me....she called me a fat pig and would steal my lunch money from my bag......no one would help me because I was still a social pariah........
Fifth grade when I was told by the most popular girl in the class that I would have the privilege of being beat up by her on the last day of school......
Eighth grade when I was told my majority of the male class of 2003 at a dance that I would never get a boyfriend because I was "too baldheaded and fat" to be attractive.
During these years I was quiet and complacent, allowing myself to be a doormat to these events. I thought of killing myself to make it stop. Yeah, at the 5th grade, I wanted to die. Came back at 8th grade too....but something snapped when I got to the middle of my 8th grade year and made me turn into the loud, rambunctious, and bold young woman I am today. I created a force within myself that blasts through and sometimes doesn't stop when its limit is reached
I looked up my birthday, February 17th, and it says that my day is the "Day of the Warrior." From birth, people born on that day learn through outside forces to harden themselves and create a mental armour to shield themselves from the harsh world, but underneath that shield, they are extremely sensitive and vulnerable, thus they rarely let that shield down, even with their closest friends and family. I admit I keep this armor in the form of my domineering personality. Very few people know me as a shy girl, one who really doesn't take too many bold risks, because I force the image of the unstoppable and unbreakable EIKO212.
Today, someone got under that armour. I didn't like it one bit. It made me feel helpless and alone, like I had nothing that I could offer or do to make it better. My heart felt like it had been stabbed a thousand times and then ripped out. In the back of my mind, all I could think was "Where is it??? Where is my strength??? Where is my fortitude????" I see I still have yet to find it....
Total Comments 7
Comments
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it happens. i am sorry that it did. some of us did not have the best childhoods and it is hard to truly let it go at times. there are triggers out there. it does not always mean that you are not moving on. it only means that you have the memories of what has occurred and how it felt.
you need to keep some of those memories for the future. it might help you become a better role model to young girls and ladies. so, keep your head up and do not try to leave those things on the shelf all the time. you must dust them off occasionally.
you are still strong. you are human. you are allowed to remember.Posted 08-15-2008 at 05:30 PM by xqzmi
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one last thing, do not let that bring you down now. that is another reason for memories. they are to inspire you to be better and to find a different path in life. you will live your life the way it should happen.
having memories can sometimes be a wall, but, they are only really a stepping stone to help you remember that you are strong now. you are a different person. you are alive. you have much to be grateful for now.Posted 08-15-2008 at 05:34 PM by xqzmi
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Memories sure are powerful. They can break your spirit and build someone up to be a strong and dynamic. Please keep your head up and achieving your goal! and above all....stay positive
Posted 08-15-2008 at 05:35 PM by HunnieBee
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It's the moments of weakness that make you realize how strong you are ... it sounds like you've had a lot of trials thrown in your way but it doesn't seem like you've caved to any of them. You don't come across as a victim or someone who's weak in any sense of the word ... but even the strongest have weak days. And even warriors have off ones...
This too shall pass and you'll find your second wind and be back on your way.... chin up Eiko! You know you rock ... and those who know you know you do as well... and fuck those who don't. Posted 08-15-2008 at 06:40 PM by sushirama
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I agree with Sushi; especially the last sentence!
(((*Hugs to Eiko*)))Posted 08-15-2008 at 06:59 PM by Stardancer2008
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awwww... I luv you girl *hugs and gets eiko milk and coockies*Posted 08-15-2008 at 08:43 PM by krizta
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I know the feeling.
It is not that you didn't yet gain any strength, it just fades sometimes to make us remember where we achieved it from.
You survive the hard phase and come out stronger.
So, yeah, maybe you are just in another growing transition and had to "repeat a life lesson"?
In my life those rememberances of humiliation also hurt and make me feel weak, but during those times I learn something new about myself.
Good luck.Posted 08-16-2008 at 05:21 AM by Lady_Fate
