And I can't make you love me
Posted 11-16-2008 at 07:03 PM by likehawaii
I posted this on my facebook, but I wanted to post it here because a lot of people have found my honesty inspiring and have been able to release their burdens too. Enjoy...
So after 25 years of bottling everything up, I just can’t take it anymore. I was always able to swallow my emotion but now that I am in physical pain all the time, I just can’t. So if I’m honest about my life for the first time ever – maybe I can get through this.
The first 5 years of my life I basically spent in the basement of my mother and fathers house in Beltsville. It was dark and had jumping spiders. I had a snoopy pillowcase in my closet that had clothes and items I would need when it was time for me to run away.
Once my parents divorced I HATED staying at this house. My father was supposed to be living in the house, but he wasn’t so on my weekends it was so cold and empty there. I would always end up in an anxiety attack and my dad would have to take me back to my mother’s apartment. I was like 7 when these debilitating panic attacks started.
My mother’s apartment was pretty lonely. I spent it in my bedroom. She was happy with Dennis. I had a 2 hour bus ride each way to my gifted school. I came home, did homework, went to bed, than got myself up for school and went to the bus stop in the dark all by myself. I was in 2nd grade.
There is a huge black blank space in my brain after that. I remember Leah coming to my Dad’s new house and hour away from my mother’s to have a slumber party. I remember my little step sister and brother getting the crap beat out of them by my dad. My mom really wasn’t there. I remember staying in my bedroom and being called down to eat and clean the dishes after my mother and stepdad had eaten.
One time in middle or early high school, Megan and I came into my mom's house in Laurel. She was so drunk she didn't know who I was. She throw us out while screaming at us.
High school, a teacher used to touch my breasts, ass, and stick his finger in me under my cheerleading uniform or shorts. I got straight As and took AP & IB classes trying to just keep myself busy. I got a scholarships and won lots of award - no family was ever there to congratulate me. At a hotel party I was raped. After that I slept with my boyfriend. I have no memory of my “first time” or any part of his and my sex life or relationship. We broke up and I slept with his best friend a few times.
College was interesting. I dated a slew of mean asshole boyfriends - some who hit me. The nice guy I did date I ruined it. I went to friends weddings and was so anxious because it was the first time I was sober in church.
In college I went to my father's work. I walked into his office and he said "Can I help you?" and I said "Yes I am your daughter" he said "oh." He took me to a few different people for the help I needed from him, those people didn't know I exsisted - thought he had only 1 young daughter. They laughed about it and talked about how he hide me while I was standing there. My father has won multiple national teacher awards but wants nothing to do with his oldest daughter.
My ex and I dated on and off through college and after college I finally settle down with him. He was the perfect balance to what I needed. We were perfect until we moved in together. He became a drunk & druggie. The cops just banged on my door for the 3rd time this past Friday looking for him. He has drowned me financially and really, at the end of a bad day, I wish he was still here to take care of me.
In the last year I've fallen and hurt my back at work, had to throw my ex out, had my grandmother get sick and die of cancer within 3 days of being diagnosed, my nieces nephew & ex sister in law were killed in a car accident. Since the accident my surviving neice has been sent to live with her father (my step brother) I guarentee he is schizophrenic and says horrible things to her. I should be raising her. I am the only one she has that can handle her. She's 13, on drugs and has tried to kill herself within the last 30 days. If I was healthy I could help her.
I need to find a new profession because you can't deal with students when you are in chronic pain and terrible physical fatigue. Right now I can barely breathe from the pain in my ribcage and sides. My skin is burning and back is in spasms.
If I were healthy my life wouldn't be falling apart.
So after 25 years of bottling everything up, I just can’t take it anymore. I was always able to swallow my emotion but now that I am in physical pain all the time, I just can’t. So if I’m honest about my life for the first time ever – maybe I can get through this.
The first 5 years of my life I basically spent in the basement of my mother and fathers house in Beltsville. It was dark and had jumping spiders. I had a snoopy pillowcase in my closet that had clothes and items I would need when it was time for me to run away.
Once my parents divorced I HATED staying at this house. My father was supposed to be living in the house, but he wasn’t so on my weekends it was so cold and empty there. I would always end up in an anxiety attack and my dad would have to take me back to my mother’s apartment. I was like 7 when these debilitating panic attacks started.
My mother’s apartment was pretty lonely. I spent it in my bedroom. She was happy with Dennis. I had a 2 hour bus ride each way to my gifted school. I came home, did homework, went to bed, than got myself up for school and went to the bus stop in the dark all by myself. I was in 2nd grade.
There is a huge black blank space in my brain after that. I remember Leah coming to my Dad’s new house and hour away from my mother’s to have a slumber party. I remember my little step sister and brother getting the crap beat out of them by my dad. My mom really wasn’t there. I remember staying in my bedroom and being called down to eat and clean the dishes after my mother and stepdad had eaten.
One time in middle or early high school, Megan and I came into my mom's house in Laurel. She was so drunk she didn't know who I was. She throw us out while screaming at us.
High school, a teacher used to touch my breasts, ass, and stick his finger in me under my cheerleading uniform or shorts. I got straight As and took AP & IB classes trying to just keep myself busy. I got a scholarships and won lots of award - no family was ever there to congratulate me. At a hotel party I was raped. After that I slept with my boyfriend. I have no memory of my “first time” or any part of his and my sex life or relationship. We broke up and I slept with his best friend a few times.
College was interesting. I dated a slew of mean asshole boyfriends - some who hit me. The nice guy I did date I ruined it. I went to friends weddings and was so anxious because it was the first time I was sober in church.
In college I went to my father's work. I walked into his office and he said "Can I help you?" and I said "Yes I am your daughter" he said "oh." He took me to a few different people for the help I needed from him, those people didn't know I exsisted - thought he had only 1 young daughter. They laughed about it and talked about how he hide me while I was standing there. My father has won multiple national teacher awards but wants nothing to do with his oldest daughter.
My ex and I dated on and off through college and after college I finally settle down with him. He was the perfect balance to what I needed. We were perfect until we moved in together. He became a drunk & druggie. The cops just banged on my door for the 3rd time this past Friday looking for him. He has drowned me financially and really, at the end of a bad day, I wish he was still here to take care of me.
In the last year I've fallen and hurt my back at work, had to throw my ex out, had my grandmother get sick and die of cancer within 3 days of being diagnosed, my nieces nephew & ex sister in law were killed in a car accident. Since the accident my surviving neice has been sent to live with her father (my step brother) I guarentee he is schizophrenic and says horrible things to her. I should be raising her. I am the only one she has that can handle her. She's 13, on drugs and has tried to kill herself within the last 30 days. If I was healthy I could help her.
I need to find a new profession because you can't deal with students when you are in chronic pain and terrible physical fatigue. Right now I can barely breathe from the pain in my ribcage and sides. My skin is burning and back is in spasms.
If I were healthy my life wouldn't be falling apart.
