mango and coffee
Posted 07-05-2008 at 02:40 PM by paloma
I was slowly letting some news trickle out, but now I don't know why. My husband and I are over, and we are divorcing. I haven't lived with him since April. I've moved in with my parents. In fall I go back to school, and strangely enough, then the baby and I will be living with my in-laws ! That alone should be an indicator of just how bad my husband's behavior has been. I was 8 months pregnant when I found out he was cheating on me, and since November it's been a rollercoaster. I was willing to reconcile. I felt my own infidelity (before we were married) was a factor in why he cheated. But it wasn't just that. I loved that man, and I had my son to consider, about his need for a stable upbringing. So since November he's been telling me one thing, but he never did leave her. In fact, he is visiting her later this month (she's in the States on a H2B visa and her seasonal job has her moving around where the tourism is) and he asked me if I would petsit for him while he was out of town. YA DUMBASS no I won't! There have been several other things he's said and done to indicate how selfish he is, but it's not worth cataloging them.
Since the baby was born, he has been a very distant father. He would let the baby cry alone in his crib while he played Solitaire on the computer in the next room. I found out that when I was at school, he would take the baby to his girlfriend's apartment and she watched the baby. There are no words, no ways to describe the emotions that I feel from that. What kind of woman does that to another woman, a new mother? Was my son ever hurt by her? Why was my husband happier playing house with her? What kind of trash is she, to look the other way while he abandoned his marriage and his newborn child?
My husband's mother is an adoption social worker. She's said that she's seen this a lot before, when adoptees freak out when they become parents, and feel they aren't up to the task. Anyway even his mother has said, enough. She is clear that although he is her son, and she does love him, his choices are inexcusable. She has opened her home to me and the baby. She explained to me that she's an advocate for children, and the most important thing is to make sure a mother and child have what they need to feel secure. They know all about him and her, and they've also assured me they have no ulterior motive, to get my husband and I back together. They know he's been a deadbeat dad. As a student on scholarships, I have no income, so they have been helping pay for what the baby needs, since he hasn't. I've always had a great relationship with my in-laws, and I hope it won't be too awkward living with them next semester.
This is turning out to be a long blog. What I started out to say was about my breakfast this morning. My parents are out of town, so I've had the house to myself this week. It will be at least a semester before I can get my own place with the baby, so this week has been a little slice of heaven. We had a gentle overnight storm last night, and I took my naked son out to the backyard around 3 am to feel the warm rain. I don't think I would have done that with my parents here. It's been pleasant to live how I live.
This morning I had a mango and coffee for breakfast. I bought the mangoes a few days ago. Every morning I checked them to see if they were ripe. Today I sat down with my mango and coffee. My son was in his bouncy chair tasting his feet and cooing to himself. I started to cry, because it had been years since I had a mango. My husband didn't like the smell of them so I stopped buying them. Because I am breastfeeding, he wouldn't let me drink coffee anymore. He didn't care when my pediatrician OK'd it.
This morning was the first time I realized to what extent I let my husband dictate the minute details of my days. I thought that was me loving him, but I'm learning that I wasn't loving myself enough. I don't want to become a bitter man-hating woman. But I will never let another man run my life.
Since the baby was born, he has been a very distant father. He would let the baby cry alone in his crib while he played Solitaire on the computer in the next room. I found out that when I was at school, he would take the baby to his girlfriend's apartment and she watched the baby. There are no words, no ways to describe the emotions that I feel from that. What kind of woman does that to another woman, a new mother? Was my son ever hurt by her? Why was my husband happier playing house with her? What kind of trash is she, to look the other way while he abandoned his marriage and his newborn child?
My husband's mother is an adoption social worker. She's said that she's seen this a lot before, when adoptees freak out when they become parents, and feel they aren't up to the task. Anyway even his mother has said, enough. She is clear that although he is her son, and she does love him, his choices are inexcusable. She has opened her home to me and the baby. She explained to me that she's an advocate for children, and the most important thing is to make sure a mother and child have what they need to feel secure. They know all about him and her, and they've also assured me they have no ulterior motive, to get my husband and I back together. They know he's been a deadbeat dad. As a student on scholarships, I have no income, so they have been helping pay for what the baby needs, since he hasn't. I've always had a great relationship with my in-laws, and I hope it won't be too awkward living with them next semester.
This is turning out to be a long blog. What I started out to say was about my breakfast this morning. My parents are out of town, so I've had the house to myself this week. It will be at least a semester before I can get my own place with the baby, so this week has been a little slice of heaven. We had a gentle overnight storm last night, and I took my naked son out to the backyard around 3 am to feel the warm rain. I don't think I would have done that with my parents here. It's been pleasant to live how I live.
This morning I had a mango and coffee for breakfast. I bought the mangoes a few days ago. Every morning I checked them to see if they were ripe. Today I sat down with my mango and coffee. My son was in his bouncy chair tasting his feet and cooing to himself. I started to cry, because it had been years since I had a mango. My husband didn't like the smell of them so I stopped buying them. Because I am breastfeeding, he wouldn't let me drink coffee anymore. He didn't care when my pediatrician OK'd it.
This morning was the first time I realized to what extent I let my husband dictate the minute details of my days. I thought that was me loving him, but I'm learning that I wasn't loving myself enough. I don't want to become a bitter man-hating woman. But I will never let another man run my life.
Total Comments 11
Comments
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I'm so glad you are out of this situation. You deserve so much more. Sometimes it's difficult to see what's going in when you're in it. Now it's mango and coffee heaven for you!Posted 07-05-2008 at 02:47 PM by Leannada
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What a dickhead! Some idiots don't realise how privileged they really are I hope he wakes up one day alone and unloved and he realises that he found happiness and told it to go fuck itself. I'm glad to hear that you and your monkey are doing well though and that you have a load of support around you. Give it a couple more months then you can go out and get freaky with the locals!Posted 07-05-2008 at 03:39 PM by Ricecooker
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hey Paloma, my offer to talk is still there. I've been through a very similar situation. My husband's other woman was also not American, my son an infant when he was cheating.
I hope you checked out those books I referred you too, they were alot of help for me.
heck I even finished my degree when we were seperated too! I know how scary and hurtful it all is, and I'm a bit ahead of you in the process, so hopefully I can give good advice, or just be a sympathic listener.Posted 07-05-2008 at 04:11 PM by mimi
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I think we should revoke his penis priviliges cause he obviously isn't a man. He has responsibilities as a new father, whether you guys cheated on each other or not, he needs to own up to the fact that he has to support the child and should be there for him. I'm sorry for what you are going through and it takes alot of courage and strength to not only go through this alone in raising your son but to deal with the cheating as well. Think of it as a good thing for your son to not go through all the turmoil your husband has caused recently in your life since he still too young to realize what is going on. And it's probably not good to not have such a bad role model of a father around for your son anyways... Wish you the best!Posted 07-05-2008 at 04:12 PM by Andrew
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Yo i'm sorry to hear that. my bro-in-law was very distant from my nephew for first two years of his life. he actually cheated on my sister after thekid was born too.Posted 07-05-2008 at 05:56 PM by Beerbuttchicken
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i am sorry, paloma.
you know which way your life needs to go and your son's as well. you are doing what you can and you are still ahead. you seem to have found a little more resolution in this situation.
i am very glad that his parents are being supportive for you. i hope that staying with them will be as peaceful as possible.
unfortunately, it is not just adoptive parents that feel like they are "not up to the task" of being responsible and raising their children.
did you buy those mangoes after or before that chat? i am so sorry if that part of chat may have brought up anything, if that is the case. we could have changed the subject. but, you know how henry is, he really controls his hosts.Posted 07-05-2008 at 08:09 PM by xqzmi
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So very sorry to hear what you're going through. There is no room for infidelity in any marriage; your husband will learn that a bit too late when he realizes what he has lost, but the loss will be his. Very happy to see you're a strong parent and your child can only benefit from that. But do know that not all men behave that way. Wishing you all the best and I am sure you and your kiddo will do just fine.Posted 07-05-2008 at 08:25 PM by wasabijack
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Paloma, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your in-laws sound like wonderful people and you have your family's support too. I wish you and the baby the best. You're in my prayers.Posted 07-05-2008 at 08:49 PM by msohaiku
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Hey paloma, I'm glad you realized you're better than that and you deserve so much more. I'm glad you're starting to love yourself again because that's definitely the most important thing. While I can't know what you're going through, I can relate to being with an irresponsible asshole in the same unhealthy relationship that you had. I'm mad at myself for being too nice, for apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making him my life, depending on him, wasting my time on him, forgetting my priorities because of him...it took me three months to finally wake up, realize I deserved better, and kick him to the curb.
You're a young, gorgeous mother with a beautiful son, and you've just discarded the worst part of your life. It's time to enjoy the rest of it.
Posted 07-05-2008 at 10:12 PM by shellbell178
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I think what you really need is manko, not mango.
Sorry to hear about your marriage. Sometimes people suck. Or blow. Or suck and blow simultaneously.Posted 07-06-2008 at 08:01 PM by xtalman
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I am sorry what you're going through, however, I am not sure that staying w your in-laws is the best thing. Sorry but I'm just trying to be an outsider and looking "in". It's prob best to separate for a while all together.Posted 07-10-2008 at 06:50 PM by Diesel11
