Penny For The Guy?

Bonfire night has passed yet again in limeyland celebrating the fact that Guy Fawkes fucked up and didn't manage to blow up parliament and kids get to try and kill each other in evermore exciting and colourful ways. I still have my eyebrows, my hands are still intact, I haven't managed to stick sparklers in my eyes again and my ears haven't been blown off by a thermonuclear ballistic cardboard wrapped Roman candle. As part of the annual proceedings its traditional for kids to create an effigy of Guy and beg for money simply asking 'penny for the guy?' In actual fact the scamps would scoff at you if you actually gave them a penny of your parents' hard earned money, it's a most confusing request indeed. I'm not really sure where the tradition came from for begging for cash but the effigies are thrown onto the bonfire like a tame scene from The Wicker Man which, when I think about it, is actually a disturbing ritual. Now I've seen some great efforts of Guy Fawkes in my time and conversely some crudely put together pieces of cardboard held together with gum and, possibly, boogers but last week were two dramatic ends of my 'Guyometre' (TM) not to be confused with my 'Gayometre' (TM) which, in turn, shouldn't be confused with my 'Gaydar'. On the Monday when I went to pick up my morning paper and issue of juggs a little boy was sat outside cuddled up next to his sister.
'Penny for the guy?' the kid whimpered,
'Eh? You haven't even made a Guy you don't deserve my money, my money you deserve not! You non Guy Fawkes maker you! Your just sat with your sister' The little girl looks upto me,
'This is my guy you fucking idiot!'
'....'
'....'
'....I'll get a Ribena and give you the change....'
As I left with my bongo mag and lovely blackcurrant juice drink I dropped off my change into her tin and managed to get a closer look at her Guy. Man it was like she stole a body from the morgue! Yeesh wierded me out for the rest of the day. The next day after my wierded outness had been thoroughly wierded out of me I went to get another paper and a Cornetto. This time the little girl had been replaced by a grubby little chubby kid. And the conversation went thusly...
'Penny for the guy?'
'...' I'm looking confused,
'...' He's giving the WTF look,
'...Where's your guy?'
'Right here'
'...' Still looking confused,
'...' Still giving me the WTF,
'...But...But that's just a plastic bag with a smiley face drawn on it'
'Yeah that's my Guy'
'That can't be your Guy'
'Why?'
'Because its a plastic *reads bag* Marks & Spencer's bag with a face, badly, drawn on it. You haven't even filled the bag up with anything its just empty! You haven't made any effort whatsoever you need to make a body at least. To put it bluntly your attempt had made me die a little inside a little girl was here yesterday and she made an amazing effort and look at you, you make me sick! You sir have single-handedly ruined Bonfire night with your shitastic Guy Fawkes not just for me and you but for everyone who has previously celebrated it and for anyone in the future who will celebrate it who can't now because you've ruined it!'
'...' Looking a bit chocked,
'And you fucked up christmas, orphans will die because of you!'
'...' looking a bit sad,
'...' I'm looking a bit smug,
'That's a bit harsh I went through 3 bags trying to make this face right. We can't all be little Caravaggio's ya'know I'm sorry I don't fall into your ideal of a Guy Fawkes maker. I can only be what I can be and be the god damn best at it that I can. I'm not a machine I'm not a damn model making machine I'm a boy, just a boy with hope on his shoulder and a pocketful of dreams. Besides I'm only 6 you bell end!'
'Yeah well...You look 8! That's right, I went there. Well young man I hope you've learnt something today'
'Yeah, your a cunt and I shouldn't ask you for money'
(Part of this conversation may have been exaggerated for entertainment purposes)
After getting my paper and leaving I just gave him one last look of disappointment and shook my head disapprovingly. He won't be making mediocre effigies anymore methinks, in fact I don't think he'll be making any effigies anymore! Mwah ha ha ha!