First of all, a disclaimer. I was torn between posting this here or in the Asia section of this forum, but eventually decided on posting this here, as it has as much to do with relationship issues (and I suppose a healthy dose of ranting
) as it does about Asian culture. Even so, should a mod find it more appropriate in any other section of this forum, please feel free to move it to the category you find most fitting.
To give you a little background info: I'm a white girl who has been happily living in Seoul, South Korea for over a year now. I've come here to study the language (a task which I've been quite successful in, compared to my classmates), to learn about the culture and to let my 20-year-old self taste that freedom I never had the luxury to experience during my painfully boring high school years that left me feeling trapped and drained. For the most part, I have been enjoying my time here - love the food, the convenience and oh GOD, are the men ever hot - but since I've recently been massively disappointed, I've felt the need to share and discuss my pleight. As it so happens with so many white women in Asia, my main problem turned out to be... weight. Yeah. The good old female problem haunting us big-boned descendants of the European continent finally caught up to make my life a good notch more miserable than it was as well.
About 4 months ago, I fell head over heels for a Chinese guy from my school, who was studying Korean alongside me (his Korean was a little worse than mine, but we managed). Everything went like it was supposed to: we went on a couple of dates (dates that always ended in some sloppy kissing and groping in front of my house), held hands when we walked through town, gave each other presents, fed each other in restaurants and pretty much treated each other like bf and gf and did all the silly couply stuff millions all young couples inevitably end up doing at the beginning of their relationship. Fully thinking he was my boyfriend, one time during lunch, he suddenly revealed to me that he could not date me, despite the fact that I had under the impression that we had
already been dating for quite some time.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: "So we are together now... right?"
Him: "What? No. We're just friends now."
Me: "What? Friends who go on dates and kiss and hold hands???"
Him: "....."
Me: "That's a little strange, isn't it?"
Him: Yeah, it's a little strange..."
Me: "So... why aren't we dating? Let's make this official."
And he said....
"I'll only date you if you weigh 50kg/110lbs."
Needless to say, that was the last time I ever talked to him.
For the record, I am 5'6" tall and weigh 135 lbs... something that, at least back home, you would hardly consider overweight. Although I have love handles and a tummy, I also have quite a bit of muscle mass, especially in my legs, and wear a US size 6. Body-type wise, I tend to gain muscle mass quickly. In short, I'm someone who isn't skinny, but I really wouldn't call fat, either. I can post pictures of me upon request.
Before you think that guy must have been Mr. Universe or something.. he was COMPLETELY average-looking, with a chubby face like a lot of Chinese tend to have. He was about 5'9" and scrawny on top of that, so it wasn't like I had set my eyes onto an impossibly handsome man.
The experience was perplexing (and disppointing and maddening and make-me-want-to-bang-my-head-against-the-wall frustrating) and I until this day haven't gotten over this huge disappointment. One thing that I just can't get over is that he willingly went on dates with me and initiated kissing/making out on several occasions. You don't usually kiss someone you find physically unattractive, right?
For this reason, it appears to me that the reason why he deemed me to fat to date (and demanded I weigh 110 lbs - which, in my opinion, is way too little considering my large frame and naturally muscular body and nigh inachievable, much less maintainable for me. I haven't weighed 110lbs since I was 10 years old!) might have been less due to personal preference, but rather peer pressure. I guess the shame of having a "fat" girlfriend was too much for him to handle.
Even so, it is just a guess on my part, and truthfully speaking, I'm still thoroughly hurt and perplexed by this. I know that I am "fat" in Asia, and round and thick compared to those beautifully skinny Korean girls, but if you're not attracted to me, why bother take me on dates, kiss me and lead me on like that?
Interestingly enough, I have dated plenty of guys before in Asia (all of them Korean) and none of them ever demanded I lose weight like this guy did. In general, it seems like Chinese society is by far the cruelest about weight - I've noticed that whenever people comment I'm fat, they're always Chinese students from my school.
I'm slowly healing now, and am happy to have gotten it off my chest. I was wondering if any of you had any insight about why weight discrimination seems to be so cruel in Asia (especially China) or if anyone had any tips for me on how to deal with it (apart from losing weight - but even though I'd like to lose a couple, like previously mentioned, as thin as that guy wanted me to be I'll never be).
I'm thankful for any tips, comments, cultural insights and encouragements.
- Carina
MANY asian guys really dig curvaceous girls. In fact, men of all "races" tend to gravitate toward curvaceous women. It's an aspect of our evolution. Asian women are not beautifully skinny. They're shapeless. They lack good hips, butt, boobs.
