My sister and I were close when we grew up. But our paths split. We both have had our struggles. It's like we grew up in the same house, then I went out the front door and she went out the back. I worked very hard and made good decsions to get where I am. She made a lot of bad decisions and continues on that path.


Right now, she is staying at a hotel, she lost her apartment, she lost her job and she fell back on work that I don't approve of. She does drugs, too. It saddens me that this is the life she chose for herself. We were dealt the same cards but she played her hand foolishly.

I feel obligated to help her as much as I can though because I am doing better. But I know, she will just waste the money. When I was single in my first apartment, I ended up putting her out because she was using me a a babysitting service and storage.

It's not fair I had to work my ass off and forgo a lot of fun to be responsible but she lives day to day like she does...just floating through life. I look like the bad guy because I think she should lie in the bed she made.

Next week , my husband and I are going on vacation and she will be watching over things at our place ... basically crashing... My husband doesn't want her there at our place at all.

She is not a bad person. She has a great personality and good heart. Just makes bad decisions that make little sense to me.


Do you have close relatives like this? how do you deal with watching a loved one destroy themselves? I feel guilty because I don't want to be there to pick up the pieces.

How do you motivate a loafer? especially one who goes on the defense about their lifestyle.

Am I fighting a losing battle with her? She is 25.

a lifestyle of choosing to do drugs can lead any good person into becoming a very unwelcome and bad person. that can change every part of one person you thought you knew well. do not use your heart too much in this situation. i am sorry she is down in such a pit. but, no one can save her except herself and that is the only person that should be doing the work in order to get there. now, as for children...that is a whole other situation and if you need or your family needs to step in to balance out a child's life, i would support you in that.

to answer some of the rest of your questions, a person like her is beyond loafer. she is addicted to drugs and i am sorry, but that is the first concern. you should NOT feel guilty or sorry for her. she chose that way. now, if she sincerely asks you for help in finding a shelter and maybe a rehab program...do what you feel you need to. i have met people like this, just read my blog from awhile ago about that one person i hate to mention. she might not have been actively doing illegal drugs, but she was always and continually doing some sorts. all of her negative qualities surfaced and made me see her for who she really was. she was supposed to be a very close friend. i do not always believe hard love works, but, in this kind of case--it is the only answer. you have to sometimes separate yourself and all your memories from who she has become. do not look at the person she was, you can do that when she starts to live a better life. it will only hold you back and keep you where she wants you, which may NOT be healthy for anyone involved.

I know where you are coming from...and can understand why your husband would not want her in your house, But xqzmi is right. You really can't help her. She has to want to quit the drugs and do better. You can only give her support when she does decide to. She still has a chance to turn things around. Just don't give up on her, and don't let her think you have...hopefully soon, she will turn things around.

wow, this is like one of those rare moments when XQ is making SENSE!

she's right. and i'll add that unless you're financially capable of placing her in a good healing institution to help her recover, she will only be a strain on you and your husband. it's her life, and you're her sister, you can support her emotionally but you are not her mother. don't allow misplaced guilt to dictate the stability and happiness of the good choices you've made and the life you've built.

people choose their actions, they choose the consequences. and unfortunately your sister is suffering as a result of her own actions..as you already know.

Im not sure letting her stay in your house is a great idea. Ive learned never to trust an addict. Your trusting your sister, but the addict isnt trustworthy. would she have people over that would steal? would she have a party? just throwing out possible scenarios.

and just make sure, you arent enabling her to stay stuck, by helping her out of her consequences, that is the tough love part.

take care.

Ihave been in your shoes with acouple of family members and I hate to say it but you have to let go. You need to still love her but do not be a crutch for her. Until she sees for herself that she needs to change her life nothing you or anyone else say or do will matter. So she will keep on like she is. As hard as it is sometimes we have to love them enough to let them fall down (all the way), then when THEY are ready we can help them get back on track. This from my own experience.

Thanks guys... you all are right. I guess I just needed to hear it. I really have opened a can of worms in my mind.


Sunny is very right. I don't even want my sister in my apartment. She has a bad track record . We are now throwing around the idea of just getting her another hotel. I am not sure how to tell her I don't want her in my home. I don't want to burn any bridges.

i have a question: does she have a key?

if you have mentioned anything to her about staying in her home, it would be good to get her another hotel. otherwise, she needs to find one herself. i am not trying to be mean or hard on you. it is very hard to care for and love someone that has such a horrible choice that they made; such as addictions to drugs and/or alcohol. but, even a little bit of enabling will warrant a lot more than you asked for, especially a sister you used to be so close to. it is a heart ache to let them fall and see them spiral out of control and go down such a dark and evil path. you have enough in your life. you have a wonderful son and you know what else.....you have restored a good relationship with your mother. you kind of have to cut off part of the vulnerability.

i think it will be very wise NOT to let her stay in your home, either. and i am not just concerned with what she might bring over, i am worried about what she might take out.

try to find a very diplomatic approach in telling her you do not feel safe having her there. maybe like, the truth. if that burns bridges, there is nothing you can do. just let her know that it would better if she stays at another hotel for all that are involved. tell her that you do not want your son finding any surprises (like little trails of drugs).